Last night we went to red lobster. I had a cup of lobster bisque which is 210 caloreis. and I only had a small bite of a biscut (I know I will get stuck if I try to eat a whole one) and a half a pound of snow crab legs. That is only 90cals if you don't dip it into the butter they give you. I of course did and that is of course 350cals!!!! Thank goodness we dont do that very often. So dinner by itself was 650calories and that doesn't include the mudslide that I drank before dinner.
Side note: pre-op I would have eaten multiple biscuts, a whole bowl of soup (not just a cup), a whole seperate meal of either fried nasty seafood or pasta, dessert and a couple of drinks and still not have been full. Crazy difference!
So I am starting over. I will say I have completely cut the caffeine out. I had a headache pretty much all weekend but hey it's gone. My veggie and fruit intake is up too but my chocolate intake was very high this weekend as well. 2 bags of these this weekend....
I feel almost out of control. I know I am the one controlling what goes into my mouth but it doesn't feel like it. I think I just have so much going on right now that I kinda just feel lost and out of control. We are moving to a place that even though I want to move to brings so much uncertanty. Looking for a job, waiting to start back up with school, the move itself, getting unpacked, worring about my animals during the move. I know taken in stride it's not a lot but some times it just gets over welming. Not to mention this past weekend I have had some major baby issues. I would be 26 weeks this week and I keep seeing everything everywhere that reminds me that I am not expecting my baby. I keep wondering if it would have been a boy or a girl. I think about how big my belly wound be and it just hurts like nothing else. It also doesn't help that 19 people in my building are expecting offspring, my baby sister in law has a 1 month old now and my older sister in law is 14 weeks along. Some of the testing for the infertility came back and we have to take another round of medication so we can test again before we start trying again. So that is going to be at least June now. My hubby says I should go talk to my theapist but from everything I have read all of this is completely normal to feel. So I don't know. I am happy for everyone just sad about my babys that I have lost.
We are moving to Camp Pendleton, Ca on May 15. We were planning on going up to Oregon to visit family for about 20 days between here and there, but I might have a job. If I get the position that I got called for I will not be making my way out to Oregon. Hubby will be going it alone after he gets me to Cali and in our new place. It would be ideal if I got this job and things will hopefully fall into place.
Sorry for the long depressing post, I really am having a good day. I promise :)
I hope you all have a great Tuesday...HUGS
Sorry for the long depressing post, I really am having a good day. I promise :)
I hope you all have a great Tuesday...HUGS
I wanted to leave you a little drop of sunshine. I am glad you are back and blogging, even if you still have some issues to work through. I missed you when you were gone.
ReplyDeleteI think that looking at our relationship with food as an addiction is the only way to be accurate. Although logically we know we have the choice on what we eat, when dealing with an addict there is no logic. You truly become the animal and live off your baser instincts for chocolate, carbs, grease. It is a hard and life long battle but you are still making good decisions most of the time! Keep looking at that!! You are exercising and not eating the huge Red Lobster meal, you are conquering your addiction.
I know exactly what you mean. When I was dealing with infertility, it hurt so badly to see pregnant women with their bellies, and what was worse were the ones who were actually COMPLAINING about it! I had to totally cut someone out of my life who was mad that she was having yet ANOTHER boy...her 4th...when she REALLY wanted another girl. I was a very angry, depressed person at the time. So hang in there...you are TOTALLY normal and I'll send you lots of good thoughts. XOXO
ReplyDeletethanks hun,
Deleteit's nice to know that I am not totally losing my mind. Especially when I don't even know what set me off in the first place :)
I feel off the low carb wagon over the weekend. I'm still pre-op but I have been following a low carb diet and maybe going through carb withdraws a bit last week. Your not alone, it's a struggle.
ReplyDeleteWhile what you're feeling IS completely normal, a therapist can still help you work through those feelings. I keep threatening to cut out sugar for awhile just to detox but have yet to be able to really commit to it. You're doing great!
ReplyDeleteWe did the pre-op diet because it was a fixed time frame and we HAD to. :) None of us (or very few) are really good at losing weight, otherwise we wouldn't be in this position! You are awesome, chica. Maybe just make smaller goals so you can achieve one and move to the next. Sometimes we panic at the thought of "forever" and fail. Maybe one day with no processed foods? Then take a day off, then do two days? Something like that...
ReplyDeletei like that idea...that might work better for me :)
DeleteCutting out one thing at a time will be helpful, trying to go cold turkey on everything is hard. I like what I read from Beth Ann about the Pre-Op Diet, that is a fixed time frame... but I think it is also about being scared of complications and doing whatever we can to help jumpstart this long journey of ours. I find that I am a procastinator about cutting the crap out completely, because I really want to believe that I can use Moderation... but I can't with some things, like chocolate and sugar. I hate feeling out of control, like I can't keep from putting certain things in my mouth... That is what an addict feels like.
ReplyDeleteWell..i don't consider what you ate prepared so....you didn't go off right? :) I agree with DizneDiva....one thing is prepared and so you didn't go off and today is another day. :)
ReplyDeleteI am totally bummed you might not be able to get to Oregon!!! I do hope the job works out though. Maybe..i hope the job works and you get the vacation? :)
xxxooo
that would be awesome if I could get the job and go on vacation too! fingers crossed!
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