Still NO Restriction :(

So I went and got my fill yesterday. He put in the 1cc that I wanted, which is great! I have no restriction though still. I came home after and ate a pita pizza with chicken, mushrooms and onions on it and had no problem getting it down. Admittedly I took my time and ate it in about 25mins, but I wasn't full. I mean I wasn't hungry but I would have been able to eat more if I wanted to. So at 4.5cc I feel no restriction. I am sure that I will have to keep chewing properly because food will get stuck easier but other than that it is all very disheartening. This seems like a good amount of fill with no change in anything. I know the band is on there properly because of the almost PB thing a couple of weeks ago. I am hoping that I will be one of those lucky people that wake up one morning and for some reason the band will have gotten tighter and I have good restriction. This has been on mind ever time I eat and I kept forgetting to ask you all. Before the band being full meant not just being satisfied but that you didn't want to eat anything else. I could feel that my belly was full both mentally and physically. How do you know when your full with the band? I haven't eaten enough to get to that point yet and I was wondering if it is a different feeling. I am assuming it might be and I just don't understand the feeling yet. Any input?

Possiblities

315lb is holding on as long as it can. I hit .8 then .6 now I'm at .2, I think it's funny. I am deciding to take Ronnie's advice and post pictures sooner than 50lbs. I have 1 or 2 before pics that I am going to scan tonight, I will hopefully get some good pictures in this weekend, and have the comparisons up by Monday. I am eager to see them side by side. I was thinking on it and I might start doing pics at every 20lbs too. What do you all think is a good interval for pics? I go for my second fill today after work. The last couple of days I have been really hungry and shocked that the scale has moved in a downward direction. So I am ecstatic about getting this fill today. I am going to ask for 1cc and see if the doc goes for it. I would rather have to much fill for a day or so and have to come back to get some out then inch my way up to were I need to be and be hungry and risk gaining weight back right now. Does anyone else watch the food network and the cooking channel? I watch it like it's a religion. I love to see what else is out there in the world that I can try. Well I found this show last weekend called Hungry Girl. It's a whole cooking show about low calorie cooking. These recipes have a ton of food per serving too. Her recipes look really tasty. Tons of possibilities to try out. So go check it out :) ****update**** the fill went great and I am home eating dinner. I am eating a pita pizza very very very slowly as to not have any issues :) I got my 1cc that I wanted and I go back in a month for a f/u :)

Control, Maybe?

" I feel like I don't have any control over anything in my life, but the only thing I can control is what I eat" -Jodi, Heavy What profound words. It's sad because I know how she feels. My whole life has felt controlled by either someone or something, but not me. I was fat as a child and a teen till about 17yo. I was also depressed for a good chunk of my teen years and I still fight the good fight now. I have been through years of therapy and medications, outpatient and inpatient. I wish I knew then all the stuff that I know now. I know that a good portion of my weight gain came from exactly what Jodi said, I could control what I ate... When I was 16/17yo I lost about 80lbs. I was working and dating and making choices. I was participating in plays and musicals. I was being a normal teen for a change. I love my mom, and I know you read my blog mom, this is not meant to hurt you. It is merely the truth. I was sheltered to the point were my closet friends were my parents friends or there friends kids. I felt like I had to grow up to fast. I was always on a diet, always on a medication or vitamin to calm me down or focus. The only thing that wasn't control was how much I could eat. I remember at 11yo knowing I was fat and hating myself for it. When I moved at 15yo I was able to just be a teen. I joined the Navy and I saw it as being free! I was terrified, but I was all on my own. When I got married I was on top of the world. Then he got deployed and I had no control again. I lived in fear on a daily basis. I would watch the news and hear that a corpsman had died and I would eat because that's all I could control. My next 3yo were like this on and off till I lost a my job, my culture, and my pride, all because I couldn't lose or maintain my weight. Again all I could control was what went in my mouth. So I ballooned up to 350lbs. I have finally realized that I can't control everything although I still try :) I do know that I am only a short step away from falling back into my old habits and feeling like I cant control anything. I have my friends and my family to keep me on track and I have all of you and your support. So although sometimes I feel like I can't control things some days I no longer have to go out of control to control what I eat. :)

TMI and Sore Muscles

Good morning blog land! It is a groggy tired morning on this end. Not to mention sore and slightly nauseated. I am a little nauseous because I drank my protein shake to fast this morning. I get this way if I don't spread it out over about an hour :( So drinking any water right now is out of the question because I just will feel even more blah. Work is crazy this morning too. I am taking this moment to myself to update my blog curiosities though. I am so sore this morning! We did weights on Monday night. Yesterday was my break day so today we are going to do them all over again. Not that I want to look like this computer altered woman in the picture...gross. I talked about my workout theory a while ago, it is basically that 2 days after your workout you will be more sore then the day after. Until if you don't work out for about a week it gets all better. So that is my issue this morning as well. I commented on another blog this morning that I don't like the idea of working out until I am working out. Once I get into it I actually enjoy it to an extent. TMI Alert! I have had some issues with consistent BM's. I started using benefiber in my morning protein shakes at about 4x as much is recommended. Nothing. I will build up for about 2-3 days and then get 2 good ones in a day. It's very weird. I did notice that there are only 3g of fiber for ever 2tblsp of the benefiber. Which in my opinion is a rip off. I can get more fiber out of a fiber one bar. Granted there are more calories. Any suggestions would be fantastic because this has a major effect on my weight. I have noticed a good 2-4lb difference sometimes, not to mention it gets uncomfortable. Other than that things are pretty slow around here. I have a fill appointment tomorrow evening. I am hoping I get a better restriction this time around. I am almost to 40lbs and still aiming for 60lbs by May 7th. How cool would that be, 60lbs for our 6th anniversary! I don't know how do-able it is yet but hey I'm still going to give it a try :) Happy Hump Day everyone :)

Lbs and NSV

I am pleased to say that my pesky TOM was teamed up with my scale. I stepped on the scale this morning just out of curiosity and low and behold I am at 315.8lbs!!! Putting me at 34.2lbs lost! This is not what I expected to see! My hubs was in the shower and I about scared the crap out of him when I yelled in joy. Also this morning after feeling so good about being down with my weight I tried on the pants that are the next size smaller in my drawer and they fit like a glove! I have been able to get them on for about 10lbs now but they have been uncomfortably tight, but that is not the case any longer. This was a wonderful NSV moment. So today we went to the mall and since those pants are a little holey I got a new pair of my new size and the next size smaller. such a great morning for me. I am not a huge picture taker at the moment but I will post update pictures along with my before picture when I hit the 50lb mark. Also I want to say thank you to everyone who left comments of support and encouragement, you really got me through this stupid TOM time.

Oops

I pulled a classic pre-band Shannon move last night.I was in the kitchen making dinner. I was chopping and measuring and sauteing and being all good with my food. (low cal mushroom and bacon quiche yum!) On the counter was a bag of my new favorite sesame sticks. I can have about a half a cup for under 200 cals so I love them. Well the whole time I was cooking away and being pleased with myself I ate half the bag of sesame sticks! I hadn't even realised I had done it until I was picking up and the quiche was in the oven. So needless to say my whole day of perfectly planed caloric tracking was blown. Why? Because then I had a piece of the quiche when it came out of the oven. I had to give myself a pat on the back for that one. It makes me see just how hard it is to reprogram your thinking process whether it be consciously or unconsciously. Training yourself to eat the right way is so hard! Today I am allotting for those pain in the butt sesame sticks because we are going to see a movie tonight. I cut down the calories in my morning protein shake from almost 500cals to under 300cals. lunch is about the same I am having a double helping of my low cal mushroom and bacon quiche (238cals) and I had a chobani strawberry yogurt for my morning snack attack. Btw I am so in love with chobani now! This one was the first one I have ever had and wow, love it. So this leaves me with a whooping 540cals for dinner :) which of course is going to partly be my theater snack of sesame sticks! O live and learn :)

I haven't gotten on the scale at all this week. Unlike some people who step on the scale everyday to see just how bad they are doing, when I don't like what I see I totally avoid the scale. At least now if I am having a bad scale relationship I don't eat whatever I want and avoid at the same time. So we will see how it goes. I have to weight in tomorrow unfortunately. I am in a weight loss challenge and I have to document on Saturdays. So at least once a week you will get a weight in.

Did Someone Say Vacation?

This picture is of a beach on St Thomas, Virgin Islands. Can you just picture me there? I could that's why I drew a little stick figure me with my picture face. A goal has been put into place by my wonderful husband (who am I to disagree) to go on a vacation to the Virgin Islands next feb-march time period. I drew myself in my goal weight bathing suit, pink of course! With a little martini in my hand! enjoying the warm sun and relaxing. I am going to work my butt off to be very close to goal so i can take as many pictures as possible. I stopped taking alot of pictures of myself and of me and hubby together because I hated how they turned out. I looked horrible. Not this time. I will document our first real vacation together like the camera is going obsolete. I am so excited!

All In My Head...Fill !!

Drum roll please......I got my first fill today!!! 3.5cc's. I will admit you were all right, it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. I did get a quick shot of nausea right as he started filling the band, but easy sailing after that. The doc said that if I feel like I need another fill I can come in again in 2 weeks. So we will see how things go from here. He did not put me on a liquid diet for a couple of days so I will chew chew chew dinner tonight and hope for the best :) ...next topic... For those of you who have read a little ways back on my blog, you will know that I auditioned for the Biggest Loser season 11. Obviously I didn't make it on the show or else you would be watching me on TV now instead of reading my blog. All of us fat kids had to stand in the pouring rain for 4hrs to even get inside. I went in that audition room and met the casting staff and walked back out knowing I wouldn't get a spot on the show. The whole time not thinking anything about why I was actually there. I know why I was there, but it all seemed like a game. For some of those people there it wasn't a game though. To put it in perspective, I was one of the smallest people there. One of the smallest!!! and I have to lose 119 more pounds, after losing 30lbs!! I missed season 10 because I just never was watching TV at the time it was on. So I watched the season 11 premier and decided to watch season 10. So last night I was watching the premier for season 10 while I was on the elliptical. I honestly didn't think I would get as motivated as I did watching it. (proud moment for me) Then it struck home for me when the military wife came on, not just because we have that in common but because of what she said. Her husband tells her he thinks she is beautiful but she doesn't believe him. Logically she knows he thinks that but her self esteem is so low about herself that she can only think he is lieing to her...I cried...I have been there so many times. I know my husband thinks I'm beautiful the way I am, but all I hear inside my head is "he's lieing to make you feel better". It's all in my head though. I took that and ran (literally) with it. Promising myself that I will be that wife he sees. I am now watching the season 10 episode while I work out. I need all the motivation I can get.

Happy Commings and Goings

"Have patience, and endure"

-Shakespeare, Much Ado

Here we are 2 days left in 2010. Everyone is making resolutions and picking out a word to live 2011 by, but I don't see the need. Every year I make resolutions and promises that I swear I will succeed at. Well big surprise....I don't. This year has taught me allot of thing about myself, my marriage, my lifestyle. I don't want to resolve to do this and to do that, I want to take what I have learned about myself and my life and bring it with me. Yes I have goals for this year, and yes one of them is to loose weight. I have my Lap Band and I plan to work it for all it's worth but that's not a new goal. My focus is to go on with the goals I am already working on, like not putting off doing things with friends or my husband. I want to wear the shirt that someone says looks good on me, not put it back on the rack because it's out of my comfort zone. Also, my most important goal for a couple of years, be able to ride on a roller coaster with my husband. These like I said are not new goals, I have been working at these for a long time. Yes, 2011 will be the year I make all this happen but the ability to do this was put into motion in 2010. So I will bid 2010 goodbye with a mixture of relief and longing for all of the roads I traveled this year, for all the battles I fought, whether won or lost, for all the milestones surpassed and cut short. 2010 was the year my life started turning around for the better, mentally and physically. I leave you with another quote from William Shakespeare and wish you much fulfillment this new year on whatever journey you take.

"Courage and comfort, all shall yet go well"

-Shakespeare, King John

Food = Crack

I hate food! I mean yes I enjoy eating, if I didn't I wouldn't be at this point in my life sitting here with an almost healed stomach and a piece of silicone around an organ. But I HATE FOOD! I hate my willpower and I hate how they make me feel about myself! I was doing so well until that first piece of chocolate on Christmas eve, now I'm like a crack addict who had there first hit in years. I do great all day then when I get home I make my dinner, Tonight it was spaghetti with mushrooms, onions and tomatoes. oh and don't forget the loads of parm cheese. and the 6 slices of turkey, and the Popsicle and the chocolate covered pretzels. It's like someone else takes over my body, goes to the fridge and says what can I eat right now. I know I won't have a change of habits overnight, but seriously does it have to make me feel 2 inches tall in the process!!! I am smack in the middle of bandster hell, my first fill can't come soon enough!

Baking Fool (with recipe)

I love to cook and bake, so part of this process with the band has left me yerning to get back into the kitchen. Last night I baked a ton of cookies, about 6 dozen maybe a little more. I made cookie cups dipped in chocolate and almonds and filled with a raspberry jelly. I also made sugar cookies dipped in chocolate and peppermint pieces. I had my husband try one of each when he got home, since I can't have them, and he loved them both. I made them for a party we are having at work. I thought I would share a picture of my creations so you can drool over them with me. I am also putting the recipe for the raspberry cups at the bottom. Enjoy! Also I changed my blogspot web address to http://fatwifesjourney.blogspot.com/. If you have any issues because of it let me know. Thanks THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY RECIPE (thats why I havn;t eaten any)

Raspberry Cups:

Store bought cookie dough Raspberry Jelly Slivered Almonds Chocolate Chips - Semi Sweet Plain Gelatin Packets for baking not eating 2tblsp Sugar Spray with cooking spray a mini cupcake pan and put about 3/4 tblsp to 1 tblsp dough in each cup and bake according to time on package. When they are right out of the oven take a wooden spoon, dip it into the sugar and press down the center of the cookies to form a cup. Let cookies cool 30mins on cooling rack. Chop up the slivered almonds to desired size. Mix left over sugar into almonds. In microwave melt chocolate chips on 30 seconds blasts stirring between each time until you have a thick melt. The chocolate should not be hot to the touch when melted. When cooled dip just the tops of your cups into the chocolate and then the almonds. Let sit for 1 hour to harden. Filling: In a little pot put all your jar of raspberry jelly and 1 gelatin packet. Heat till mix just coats a spoon. Take off the heat and pour jelly mix into each cup until filling is level with the edges. The filling will soke a little into the cookies making them nice and moist. It's ok if they leak through a bit.

Still Waiting :-/

So I am still waiting for a surgery date, but its my own fault. I was all ready to go to my appointment last Thursday, I went home to let the dog out and got distracted. A five minute distraction turned into an hour and a half one and my alarm for my appointment went off 20mins after my appointment time. Big time fail! I rescheduled for tomorrow and I'm hoping for the best. I have 3 alarms set in my phone to remind me 50, 30 and 20mins before my appointment that I can't forget it. Thing have been going well for me. I still have this scary attachment to food that I am working on figuring out, but I have realized that I need reign in back into place. My weight has always been at the forefront of my life and I'm not going to let it be in charge anymore! I will get this surgery and I will recover and start working out again. I have a personal trainer set up for after I am all healed and I will look fantastic. I will not fail this time because I want this! (I might never do this), but I want to be able to put on a pair of sneakers and go for a run with my husband. I want to walk into any store and be able to pick out clothes and I want to live so long that when I have kids they will be begging me to die off already! I love life and I want to be able to live it to it's fullest! I promised my husband that before we leave Illinois we will make a visit to Ceder Point, Ohio and go on the tallest roller coaster in the country and I plan on doing just that! I know over the last month I have gain 8lbs because of this food thing, but its done and over with I have only a few weeks before my surgery and I can't wait to begin the next chapter in my life. I will succeed and I want to share this confidence with everyone I meet. Till next time smile, hum your favorite song and enjoy the sunshine even if its cold! Life is a gift and we all need to treat it that way!