19 January 2011

Control, Maybe?

" I feel like I don't have any control over anything in my life, but the only thing I can control is what I eat" -Jodi, Heavy What profound words. It's sad because I know how she feels. My whole life has felt controlled by either someone or something, but not me. I was fat as a child and a teen till about 17yo. I was also depressed for a good chunk of my teen years and I still fight the good fight now. I have been through years of therapy and medications, outpatient and inpatient. I wish I knew then all the stuff that I know now. I know that a good portion of my weight gain came from exactly what Jodi said, I could control what I ate... When I was 16/17yo I lost about 80lbs. I was working and dating and making choices. I was participating in plays and musicals. I was being a normal teen for a change. I love my mom, and I know you read my blog mom, this is not meant to hurt you. It is merely the truth. I was sheltered to the point were my closet friends were my parents friends or there friends kids. I felt like I had to grow up to fast. I was always on a diet, always on a medication or vitamin to calm me down or focus. The only thing that wasn't control was how much I could eat. I remember at 11yo knowing I was fat and hating myself for it. When I moved at 15yo I was able to just be a teen. I joined the Navy and I saw it as being free! I was terrified, but I was all on my own. When I got married I was on top of the world. Then he got deployed and I had no control again. I lived in fear on a daily basis. I would watch the news and hear that a corpsman had died and I would eat because that's all I could control. My next 3yo were like this on and off till I lost a my job, my culture, and my pride, all because I couldn't lose or maintain my weight. Again all I could control was what went in my mouth. So I ballooned up to 350lbs. I have finally realized that I can't control everything although I still try :) I do know that I am only a short step away from falling back into my old habits and feeling like I cant control anything. I have my friends and my family to keep me on track and I have all of you and your support. So although sometimes I feel like I can't control things some days I no longer have to go out of control to control what I eat. :)


  1. Thanks for sharing Shannon and I am sure your mom knows you love her! You are in control of this!!! We all learn from each other and I love reading what actually got us to this point. Hang in there and enjoy the ride!


  2. That's a powerful quote! And so very true!

  3. I know exactly how you feel - I think all us bandsters do! You're definitely in the same place I was, I know. It'll get easier, it's got to. We can focus our control onto a hobby or something. We should take up knitting. That seems kind of glamorous, I've always wanted to do it. :D

  4. Control is such a huge issue, especially for women. It must be especially difficult for you when your husband is in harm's way. I know that I've had lots of fear since I became a parent. For me I think this is where faith comes in. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I find comfort in the belief that this life isn't the end and that there is someone more powerful than even death.

    Great job working through this difficult issue!